The urge

“Holy Lord! Look at the time. I think it’s time to leave.” He stood up while I was still sitting in the park bench. I didn’t want to get up. It was starting to get dark now.

“Come on!” He held out his hand stretched for me. He was happy, very happy indeed. I could feel his smile through his eyes. I hated to spoil his evening. He was happy and that was important for me, that’s what I had wanted. However, I was having a hard time to keep the switch of my feelings turned off. It felt like the switch would flicker on by itself any moment now. As if I would just explode, my feelings would make their way out any second now. I had put my feelings on a hold for a very long time now and it seemed difficult now.

Emotions were trying to crawl out somehow. Eyes were on the verge to get numb. Words were fighting with each other to break out. I felt myself stranded in somewhere dark, where there was no hope, where everything was so sad….. like something terrible had happened.

I sat silently with my head leaned against the passenger side’s window. I watched the lights flash different shades in the streets, something I rarely did. I was constantly murmuring, “Calm down!” to my heart (only audible to myself), something I did when I felt uprooted inside. He was driving me home, singing his favorite songs, something he did when he was happy.

          Usually, I would irritate him to extreme level. He never complained though. He never made me feel that he was annoyed. He always had this pleasing smile on his face even at the times I scolded him, I taunted him, I annoyed him, every time…… for everything I did. He was an angel for me. He was that person who had the strength to bear me no matter what I was, no matter how hard I pushed him, no matter how much I upset him or distress him or annoy him. He was somebody who couldn’t possibly exit in real but he did. He was my dream guy.

He waited till I got in my house. I was fighting a hundred of impulses to ask him to stay but I felt the words stuck in my throat. He was happy, I couldn’t just do that to him.

          “Beautiful evening!” He remarked as I turned with a brave front and a huge fake smile. I was good at pretending and today, I hated myself for that. “Goodbye!” I finally bid my last words for the evening (I thought them to be).

“I can’t find it!” He said suddenly searching his pockets and all around. I thought he had dropped something. I too started looking for it was. “What is it?” I asked puzzled as I could not actually see it on the ground.

“Your smile” I froze as I heard him. I didn’t dare spin around. “What do you mean?” I asked with fear in my heart. Blood was racing in my veins. My heartbeat was so fast that I had to hold on to the door for support. He didn’t say a word until he stood facing me. He held my hand gently in his……”You think you are good at pretending but let me tell you…… you are not good at fooling me! ”

A teardrop fell at the very words. “I……” I just wanted to hug him and start crying and wanted to ask him to stay so badly. But I couldn’t.

“I’ll stay.” He said…… making me shed more tears. There were no other words that could make me feel better, lighter. I never understood how could he always tell what was bugging me, what did I need, whom I wanted. He said he loved me. I don’t know why I cried. I don’t know why I wanted him to stay with me. I don’t know why he mattered to me so much. I didn’t know anything. I was just crying and he was holding me like he would never let go. He said it a million times that he loved me…… that I mattered to him the most. I was just crying and crying and I didn’t know why.