Crush

Dear Diary,

I don't know what's happening to me. These days I am unintentionally lost......Not that I don't want to..... But because I don't really mind getting lost. It's a change that doesn't bother me but the after effects do. Is it happening for real? Well, I feel as if I have started day dreaming. I sound crazy! She'll drive me crazy and she wouldn't even know.

 She's beautiful.......at heart I'm talking about. No, I haven't talked to her but I have seen her. I have watched her. You know, she goes crazy when she's super excited. Does she know that I exist? The other day, I thought she smiled at me. Did she really? I have been playing hide and seek around her. It feels extraordinarily amazing. She talks too much when she's happy. Does she know I watched her dance once evening? She was looking simply an angel! She too listens to songs the way I do....


Her eyes talk to me. That's what I imagine. She talks to me.....all the time..... and the time she doesn't.... I have my gaze on her. Once, I felt pain seeing her eyes. She was abnormally silent. That day, she didn't utter a word. She had that smile on her face but I could tell she was faking it. I felt so helpless..... I couldn't hug her and ask what was bugging her. I could feel she wanted some one to hold her. Wish, I could be there. Would she want me? You know, a day before, I saw her with her friends..... one of the boys.... held her hand. Do you think she likes him? I couldn't bear the moment. I don't want to bear moments like that. Would she hold my hand? Would I ever talk to her in real? What would I say? I feel as if I haven't been alive before. She fills my heart with happiness. She makes me feel delirious She makes me feel myself. I'm not falling for her, am I? I love watching her do things she wants. She likes all these little things...... butterflies, flowers, swings, long routes, nice weather, Ice cream, Chocolates. Oh, I am crazy for her. She's my misty dream.

Would she ever feel the same way for me? I'll go crazy. Well, I love this feeling. It wouldn't bother me even if she doesn't. Because I choose to feel this way. She's not someone to be tamed. If we are meant to be..... we will be together irrespective of the blank spaces between us.

 

The Visit!

It was a lovely morning, the weather had turned up to be windy and cloudy but it was a pleasant morning. Everything felt great all of a sudden, the chirping of birds, and the merry of kids (from distant houses), the hustling of leaves and the dance of the wind. I too was dancing while making breakfast. I enjoyed living alone, far from the crowd, on the outskirts of town with a beautiful backyard and trees and flower beds all around. My curly hair danced on their own beat as if they were playing on the wind swirls.

There was somebody at the door, the constant ringing of the doorbell could not spoil my mood or make me yell in frustration (which I usually did). I was happy after a long time, a very long time it had been for me (Life becomes difficult to live when you get all alone, when somebody you want the most is no more with you). I felt numb as soon as I yanked the door open. I felt as if I was struck by thunder or lightening or something.

“This has to be…….. Oh!” , I heard a young boy’s voice but he did not complete the sentence he was about to say. I didn’t see his face as my eyes were fixed on the face of the angel. I couldn’t believe he was actually standing there after all. I was gaping. I don’t know what kind of emotions and feelings were rushing inside of me, I don’t know how much faster my heart was pumping and the blood was racing in my veins.

Was I stunned? Yes, of course! Was I happy? To be honest, I think I did scream happy in my heart. Was I Hyperventilating? Definitely!! And then I came back to life when I heard a child’s cry! And that was the time I realized that he was holding a baby! A baby!! Was I upset? May be. Was I freaking out? Yes obviously! Was I awestruck? That’s an understatement!

“Uh……. Uh…….. Hi!”, said the boy holding the baby!

“I think we’ve got the wrong address!”, said the younger one.

“Definitely!”, I said automatically  in an awe.

“Hi!”, repeated the boy.

“Noah……. Dyllan…… what are you……. Guys doing here?(Dyllan was the guy I loved and Noah was his cousin) There was silence for starting few seconds but it was broken by the cries of the baby. “I’m sorry but he has been crying. We were looking for his nanny. I guess, we’ve got the wrong address.”

“Well, where is his………. Mother??” Was I furious? May be. Was I Cursing? May be….. a little! “She’s stuck in the traffic.”, answered Noah while Dyllan was trying to hold the crying baby still. “How long has he been…….. crying?” “I got my answer!”, I said seeing their expressions. The baby leaned to me. “Oh….. no….. oh baby!”

“ He likes you already!!”, said Dyllan happily and half relieved. “I can’t do this.” “Oh, you are good with kids. You love them.” “I haven’t really handled one all by myself especially one this……. Cute and small. He’s so fragile!”, I half shouted.

“Please!?”, the boys urged.

“Hey baby…… let’s get inside.”, I turned slowly… followed by the boys. “Well, you better start looking for his nanny!”, I said sternly. “Already on it!”

“May be he is hungry!”

“Well what does he take?”, I asked, completely blank I was that time.

“Here…” Dyllan handed me the paraphernalia. After the child was fed, he fell asleep in my arms. That took around an hour or so and a lot of furious looks thrown at Dyllan, some silent yells and a hell lot of patience! It was silent finally. Dyllan sanked into the couch while I was rocking the baby in my arms. “He looks so beaut…….. when he’s asleep……(I frowned at him thinking how could someone say that about his own kid) I mean, when he is not crying!”, he said when I settled the little one in the bed carefully. “He looks like an angel!”

I sighed. We both sat aside silently. “I didn’t know you were still here.”, he said softly. “Likewise.”

“How are you?”, he asked as if he could not judge it through my eyes. Oh, he asked the wrong question at wrong time. I didn’t say a  word. “Any luck?”, I changed the topic the moment I saw Noah entering the room. “Nah! Sorry to bother you though!”

“I asked you something!” “I am hungry….. did you guys eat anything?” I looked around and could tell that they hadn’t. “I’ll go get something then!”

I was in the kitchen preparing more food now to eat. “This place is just like the previous one……things are still the same! ” “Not really.”, I said sarcastically. Suddenly it was getting hot inside me. I pulled up my hair but he interrupted saying, “I like them opened!” and the very moment I pulled up my hair into a tight bun!

“Are you upset?” And I was thinking how he could ask so casually as if nothing happened. As if the past few years never passed in reality. “Why would I be upset?”, I lied ofcourse.

“What’s wrong?” Oh, now I was at my peak ready to burst the moment I heard him ask the question.

“You……. You were gone! I was here! Right here! And now out of the blue…. You show up at my door……. With a baby! So of course I am upset!!!”, I yelled.

“He’s not my baby.”, he said half smiling. His lips were not curled into a smile but I could see his eyes alighted with that notorious smile he occasionally carried.

“Then why the hell are you with him? Why are you looking for a nanny?”

“Because he’s my brother’s child!” He broke out into laughter.

“Oh! So he’s not……. ”

“No!”

“I thought…… oh…… shit!!”

“You are still crazy, you know!”

“You knew I would think that….. you didn’t clarify!”

“I wanted to see you react because otherwise you would not have talked properly”

“Oh I hate it when you do that! I hate you!!”

“And I still love you!” Was I silent? Yes (from the outside). Was I screaming? That would be an understatement!

What about the baby? Well , later in noon, I did meet his parents and the nanny because of whom it all happened! The weather had turned me up again……Was I smiling? Hell yeah! Was he really there? No he was in my fantasy. I was day dreaming. I was shaken by Angelica sitting right besides me in the Orientation programme!

The urge

“Holy Lord! Look at the time. I think it’s time to leave.” He stood up while I was still sitting in the park bench. I didn’t want to get up. It was starting to get dark now.

“Come on!” He held out his hand stretched for me. He was happy, very happy indeed. I could feel his smile through his eyes. I hated to spoil his evening. He was happy and that was important for me, that’s what I had wanted. However, I was having a hard time to keep the switch of my feelings turned off. It felt like the switch would flicker on by itself any moment now. As if I would just explode, my feelings would make their way out any second now. I had put my feelings on a hold for a very long time now and it seemed difficult now.

Emotions were trying to crawl out somehow. Eyes were on the verge to get numb. Words were fighting with each other to break out. I felt myself stranded in somewhere dark, where there was no hope, where everything was so sad….. like something terrible had happened.

I sat silently with my head leaned against the passenger side’s window. I watched the lights flash different shades in the streets, something I rarely did. I was constantly murmuring, “Calm down!” to my heart (only audible to myself), something I did when I felt uprooted inside. He was driving me home, singing his favorite songs, something he did when he was happy.

          Usually, I would irritate him to extreme level. He never complained though. He never made me feel that he was annoyed. He always had this pleasing smile on his face even at the times I scolded him, I taunted him, I annoyed him, every time…… for everything I did. He was an angel for me. He was that person who had the strength to bear me no matter what I was, no matter how hard I pushed him, no matter how much I upset him or distress him or annoy him. He was somebody who couldn’t possibly exit in real but he did. He was my dream guy.

He waited till I got in my house. I was fighting a hundred of impulses to ask him to stay but I felt the words stuck in my throat. He was happy, I couldn’t just do that to him.

          “Beautiful evening!” He remarked as I turned with a brave front and a huge fake smile. I was good at pretending and today, I hated myself for that. “Goodbye!” I finally bid my last words for the evening (I thought them to be).

“I can’t find it!” He said suddenly searching his pockets and all around. I thought he had dropped something. I too started looking for it was. “What is it?” I asked puzzled as I could not actually see it on the ground.

“Your smile” I froze as I heard him. I didn’t dare spin around. “What do you mean?” I asked with fear in my heart. Blood was racing in my veins. My heartbeat was so fast that I had to hold on to the door for support. He didn’t say a word until he stood facing me. He held my hand gently in his……”You think you are good at pretending but let me tell you…… you are not good at fooling me! ”

A teardrop fell at the very words. “I……” I just wanted to hug him and start crying and wanted to ask him to stay so badly. But I couldn’t.

“I’ll stay.” He said…… making me shed more tears. There were no other words that could make me feel better, lighter. I never understood how could he always tell what was bugging me, what did I need, whom I wanted. He said he loved me. I don’t know why I cried. I don’t know why I wanted him to stay with me. I don’t know why he mattered to me so much. I didn’t know anything. I was just crying and he was holding me like he would never let go. He said it a million times that he loved me…… that I mattered to him the most. I was just crying and crying and I didn’t know why.